Ladies & Gentlemen He Really Does LOVE The Spice Girls

i am not a heartless person
i am not a cold person
i am not an emotionless person....
i am just sick and tired of being treated like crap.
so here is to 2008 almost being over with...a close to one of the worst years of my life. the end of a long and drawn out process of dating the same person for far too long. the end of putting up with his need to never call and always needing to make up the worst lies to get out of hanging out with me. this may make me seem like a horrible person, but i enjoyed spending the gift card that i got for him...and the book that i got him is amazing! i highly suggest reading (or watching) American Hardcore.
i don't really know what else to say...
but maybe
a early start on this new years resolution business
* standing up for myself
* don't always be so easy to forgive a liar
.....there is more to to come to this list i am sure.

Pete and Rita Martinez (My God Parents)

Pete and Rita have been a part of my life literally since the day I was born. They were both friends of my Mom and she asked them to be my God parents, and they greatfully accepted offer. I couldn't be more lucky then to have these two amazing people as a part of my life. I think back to all the times I went to Provo to visit them...all the times I ran around their house...all the hugs and tender moments. These are two people who have always believed in me and have always had kind and encouraging words to say. I walk into their home and feel such comfort...it's like no where else on earth. These two have such a strong bond between the two of them, it's so wonderful to see two people so in love, and to see how long their marriage has lasted. They are the reason why I believe that things can and will work out in the end. The reason why I have hope in love. Pete suffers from a condition called Lupus which he has been fighting for as long as I can remember, it makes him weak from time to time but even when he hasn't been in the best of conditions he has always made time for me...to me that is a true man always fighting for his family and putting others before himself. Rita has been right by his side helping to take care of him and is the picture of a classy lady...and an amazing wife. I am truly blessed to be considered a part of their family and will be thankful till the end of my days for the moment they said yes to being my God Parents. I love them so very much.

(yes, this is an old picture but it was the only one I have access to at the moment.)

Harvey

the siren song sounding
from the smallest voice
in the midst of all
knowing crowds
designed with the preposterous
fear that there is nothing else
out there to breath in but
false hope, and ill-fated
destiny it-self
when questioned to beg life
from broken knees and
blinded eyes…
the notes wont hit so high
and we wont stand so tall…
rejection is cried out to tear
fragile ears from their owners
mended with home remedies
to present scars on silver platters
then will it begin to shine out…
IMPERFECTION
and cry out wrong doing
believed to be
and told just the opposite
down and down again the
bright will fall
all shall dwell with the
burden of complacency
until the strong break
out to shatter the walls
of insecurity…
to place up pathways of hope
tell them they are not wrong
then and only then will
the change begin to happen
eyes will begin to see as
if they are brand new
and hearts will rejoice

a year too late and five dollars short

"Now I'm wondering is it me or is it me that can't see silver linings? So I fucked it up. I watched you go.I saw my hand not dialing the phone."


If there was ever a quote from a song that described how I felt so perfectly...it would be that one.....and realizing that you met the perfect person..but it took going through so much bullshit to know this..and then realizing that its too late...fuck
It's very possible that I will never get this right...failed attempt on top of failed attempt to mush up together and we call it the "dating sand which"...the one that is always 1 dollar too much and 5 days past the sell by date....i hate this...i want so badly to be able to fit the pieces of this puzzle back together and make things right...to be able to go watch scary movies and hide my face so gently in his arm...to go on silly dinner dates where he buys me chocolate cake only to return from the bathroom and see that it's all gone. i LOVED those days with all that I am...and want to see them return...i am pouring my soul into this...

This weekend (in hindsight)

looking back upon past events of this weekend...it's a life lesson well learned in such a short amount of time.I have learned a great deal and for that I am thankful, greatful and very happy about. Seeing things in a new way opened my eyes to not let someone be so close so soon...cause it's not worth the enviable upset.It's time to float on and find true respect among common ground and ones who actually care.Thanks for the new set of eyes.

"You're the one that fucked up Don't ask where do we go from here Don't ask about what becomes of us Talk to me like I've done you wrong When you're the one that fucked up You broke the bonds of trust and friendship Did you think it wouldn't end like this? Looked out for you and I stood by you How fucking hard was it for you To show some loyalty Some respect "
(-Thick As Blood - Dead To Me)

Your reply to the fish bowl

You gave up way to soon.
And lost out on this chance...maybe
it was all too real for you to deal with.
Maybe I was too strong for you to be with.
Whatever your reasons may have been to
play so careless in the sandbox of life...you
are the one who picked those...picked your
fate.
Maybe time will change you, help you grow up
and stand taller...and be a better man.
I really hope so.

You are stuck in the fish bowl

You have my
hopes
dreams
visions
new out look on life
gravity
safety
in your hands.....please don't suffocate it.

....this doesn't seem to be going so well.
In time we will all see the fruits of ths labor
and endurance will prove to be fit or fiction.
Dust of the sunrise in the morning will cloud
your eyes and take away all of what is left
of your tender personality.
You will leave this door wide open with a
no reply return to sender lable on the outside
of this package labled "Me"

a mix of modern technology

Maybe one day we will feel silly on the inside for talking like this. For thinking so deep. Or maybe we wont. It's a struggle I face from time to time. And one more fine reason to have created a blog. Sometimes when I think it doesn't come out so right and other times it's so clear that writing in this Internet diary wont be of such significance . Who knows.... Of all days to start keeping track of events today was the perfect day (if there was such a thing). Right now Brand New is playing over and over in my CD player along with Elliott Smith and this may be affecting my thought pattern a bit.

a five dollar bill with car keys

If there was one wish in life to never be completed yet felt so whole was the wish...the dream...the longing to have the entire world draw you a picture. Take out the chalk, the pens, the pencils, the paper, the trees and the wind...what you may do for music to inspire what will become of this is all up to you.
The creator
The designer
The life
The lived
The loved
The all
The absent
The present